Thursday 15 March 2012

"What is the London Eye?" and other pertinent questions

Today I discovered there is another side to SWTrains. A side that was equally incompetent but unlike the actual service woes, came with a smattering of: ignorance and massive deviation from reality. 

Did anyone else attend the 'live' chat with the mysterious 'Directors'? God, it was awful. Mainly the answers felt automated, were often repeated word for word for different people's questions, and didn't resolve (or offer timings for) any important issues. There was only one resolved question (and when I say 'resolved' I mean one that was actually answered succinctly without a huge amount of guff masking the lack of an answer). I'm sure the title has given it away, but in case you've missed that, it was:  

"What is the London Eye?" 

So bravo Mr Shoveller, you did a great job on answering that. 

But delve any deeper than some spurious tourism query and the answers were so waffly and inconclusive, you would be forgiven for thinking a PR agency had written them. Which may well be true of course. On matters of importance: 450 trains, Woking speed restriction, announcements, blue trains, service level, all answers were found to be deeply lacking in substance. In my humble opinion, of course. 

I couldn't possibly talk about all 210 questions, but here were the main topics and some choice guff-filled answers. And please bear in kind, they are neither the full questions nor answer, but should give you a flavour: 

1. When will we see a 5 day travel card? (Mark Ames) 
"We are developing our product range"... So.... Never? 

2. Why do SWT not offer refunds on all delays over 30 mins like Southern? (Anon) 
"We offer 5% off season ticket if, on average over the last month the service has fallen below our Published Charter" ... Not read their Charter? It's up there on the best seller list. 

20. Why does twitter feed contain so many spelling and grammar errors? (Anon) 
"We believe our way is the best way to keep our passengers up to date"... About delays I assume you mean? 

35. Given that passenger demand is still growing what plans are there to increase capacity? (Anon)
"Whatever the solution, it will require significant investment"... From us poor bar stewards I assume? Not Stagecoach and their £121 million profit made in 2011? 

45. How many passengers can you legally fit on one of your suburban coaches? (Anon) 
"There is no legal limit"..."We allow for 4 people per square metre." ... Now just think of a metre squared and picture 4 people on it...  

60. My pregnant wife received verbal abuse from passenger when she asked him to move his (non-folding) bike so she could get by (Anon) 
"The issue of enforcing the bike restrictions we take very seriously and we have rebriefed our station staff and train guards on monitoring" ?.. Really? Not so as many on twitter would notice! 

65. Is there an end in sight to the current level of engineering works? 
"I'm afraid that there is an engineering programme of track renewal"..."In conjunction with National Rail we are trying to concentrate works to affect Sundays only rather than the whole weekend"... And weekdays I presume we're just not going to mention? 

75. How are you planning to deal with the recurring swan problem (Robert Steele) 
"We ask our drivers to sound the train horn to encourage the swans to move away" ... And they weren't doing this before?!   

Best question of the day 143. Dear Mr Shoveller, you were very scathing about "vociferous passengers on the Portsmouth line" complaining about 450s. Did it occur to you that they might have a point? (Ben Towers) 

He got the same stock answer as every single other 450 question (of which there were many. In short, we will be doing nothing. 

209. Do you feel a £20 refund on a £4020 season ticket reflects the level of your performance? 
"You have not provided details of your journey, so I cannot categorically state whethere you have received the correct discount"... Well, I did accurately provide details and I can categorically state that you ignored my question. 

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